


I am in pain

by SPN_Unicorn



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: A lot of quotes from B&S, AU, Angst, Car Accident, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Cheating, Chef Castiel, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Engineer Dean, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, F/M, Happy Ending, Infidelity, Lawyer Sam, M/M, Married Castiel/Dean Winchester, Minor Character Death, My first fic, No Smut, Nurse Jessica, Quotes from Supernatural, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-25
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-18 05:42:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7301719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SPN_Unicorn/pseuds/SPN_Unicorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I get it. You’re angry." </p><p>"I am not angry .. I am in pain And you put me here. The person who was supposed to love me more than anything. You were supposed to be better than this."</p><p>"I’m not. I’m just as lost and damaged and screwed up as the rest of you. I’m not perfect.... I am not perfect."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first fic, my very first attempt at writing! Hope you guys like it. English isn't my first language so I hope I don't butcher the language.
> 
> I love Scotty and Kevin so much from Brothers & Sisters TV Show and I always pictured Cas and Dean as them so here you go. The fic is basically Kevin and Scotty's fight from season 5

_10 months ago …_

Jess and Sam had been slaving away in the kitchen preparing everything for their guests. It was their second wedding anniversary and they wanted everything to be perfect. It was to be a small party with their closest family and friends. Sam's big brother Dean was invited along with his husband Castiel, there were also Jess's friends from the hospital, Meg and Kevin. At the last moment, Sam called his dad, John, even though they don't get along very well.

John was an ER doctor and he was busy with work, spending most of his time in the hospital and the clinic. He lost his wife, Mary, twenty years ago and he had to raise his boys alone. His friends help but it was really up to Dean to take care of Sam and he pretty much raised him. John did the best he could but he and Sam never saw eye to eye and had their differences.

The doorbell rang and Dean, Castiel and John stood there bearing gifts. Few minutes later the rest of the guests arrived. The dinner was very pleasant and everyone was happy with it. Cas and Jess started talking about the food and what ingredients she used and since Castiel was a chef, he gave her some advice and some points about making Dean's favorite pie..... Dean watched them talk and took a beer and went outside for some fresh air.

"So when will you and that husband of yours gonna give me some grandchildren?" John said smiling.

"What?"

"C'mon Dean, I'm an old man and I wanna see your kids before I kick the bucket. I love Sammy's daughter and I wanna see your kids too.....You two have been together for 6 years now. I don't care if it's via surrogacy or adoption."

Dean was silent for a while. It's not that he didn't want to be a dad, he was just too afraid of not being a good one but he was sure Castiel would be the best a father ever cause he was the kindest man he knew.

"I don't know dad. We never really discussed it and I'm not sure I'll be a good parent", Dean finally said bitterly as he drank his beer.

John looked surprised, "What are you talking about? You will be an excellent father. You sure had tons of practice." He said with tears in his eyes, "You know, when you were a kid, I'd come home from the hospital, and after what I'd seen, I'd be wrecked. And you, you'd come up to me and you, you'd put your hand on my shoulder and you'd look me in the eye and you'd... You'd say: "It's okay, Dad". You took care of Sammy, you took care of me. You did that, and you didn't complain, not once. I know Sam is still mad at me for working too much while you boys were growing up but I just want you to know that I am so proud of you".

Dean didn't know what to say instead he cried and hugged his dad. John wiped away the tears and said he was gonna get Castiel.

"What's wrong?" Cas asked as he leaned next to Dean

"Nothing, let's have a baby!" Dean replied.

Castiel kissed him and said smiling widely: "Finally! I thought you'd never ask".

......

 

Sam and Jess said said goodbye to their guests. Dean was a little drunk so John said to Dean and Castiel, "C'mon I'm gonna drive you kids home then I'm going to spend the night at your uncle Bobby. I'm sure Crowley won't mind". Dean and Cas cuddled in the backseat and John drove.

 

Suddenly a mini truck appeared on the middle of the road and crashed the impala and everything went black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now ….

"I never thought we'd get back to this table. I can't tell you how good it felt to have dinner together again. We hadn't done that since the night of the accident." Castiel said softly.

Dean stared at him and said nothing.

Cas added, "As you know my restaurant opened three months ago, and my brother Gabriel is managing it just fine. So I was thinking, we should go on a vacation before things get too busy. How about Paris? You know I've always wanted to go there." "No", Came the quiet reply.

"I know you're still grieving but John would have wanted you to be happy. He died proud of you, Dean. Please come back to me." Cas whispered.

Castiel waited for an answer but again there was nothing. "Dean, I think we're in trouble. You have to talk to me. I'm your fucking husband."

"I'm going to Sam's." Dean said with a shrug.

Dean drove for hours and he called Sam.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Dean? Your husband has been calling for hours? Where are you? Are you okay?" Sam yelled at the phone.

"I'm fine, Samantha. Don't get your panties in a twist. I just needed to clear my head."

Sam cut him off, "He's worried about you. He just wanna know if you're okay."

Dean got angry, "Dude, I'm okay! I'm okay, okay? I swear, the next person who asks me if I'm okay, I'm gonna start throwing punches."

Sam sighed, his tone becoming defensive, "Just call him, You're killing him, De."

Dean was quiet.

"You knowhe called me crying last week and said he was losing you". Sam added.

"He did?" Dean asked. 

"Yes, just talk to him please."

"I’m an idiot.” Dean said and grimaced.

“Does he hate me?"

Sam replied, "Of course not. Look, he's my brother-in-law and I love him as much as I love you. I really want you two to be happy. So stop being a jerk and get your head outta your ass".

Dean said after a moment: "Alright, bitch".

Dean went home and found Cas sleeping on the couch. He gave him a soft kiss on the forehead that woke him up.

  
"Oh my God! Dean, I was so worried. Are you okay? I love you so much. Please, don't scare me again like that." Cas said panicking.

They pressed their lips harder together, Dean’s tongue running over the roof of Castiel’s mouth.

"We need to talk". Dean finally said back quietly.

"Okay".

"I've been afraid for, uh, the last few months, and because I've been afraid, I've been trying to do everything to avoid the future". Dean said with a shaky voice.

"Okay, now you're freaking me out. Should I be afraid?" Castiel asked nervously.

"Uh, no, you shouldn't. Um neither of us should be, because we are happy, and we're in love, and I really do wanna get better and be a father. And we are gonna be great parents, Cas." He pulled him in for another kiss.

"Oh, Dean. I think we should foster"

"I think we should adopt a child, because there are so many kids out there who need help", Dean said quickly. "I just think now is the right time. What do you think?"

"God, Dean, I - I I I I guess I'm not, um, ready for this"

"But we are ready. I know we are."

"No, it's not that."

"I think it's a great idea" Dean said, eyes falling to the lines of Castiel’s collar bone then traveling up his neck.

"I just …. That's not the problem, Dean."

"Okay" said with an eyebrow raised then added "Just tell me what the problem is so we can fix it"

"We can't." Castiel said quickly.

"What are you talking about?" Dean said meekly, suddenly feeling very nervous.

"I did something, Dean. There was someone else"

"What do you mean?" Dean asked coldly.

"It was one time. It was months ago….. I didn't want to hurt you, so I didn't tell you. I would do anything in the world to take it back. … I'm so sorry, Dean….. Dean, say something."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean spent the night on the couch

Dean spent the night on the couch. He's always had sleeping problems. He either slept too much, or not at all. Now, he missed Cas, he missed his husband's body wrapped against his own, he missed the warm, he missed feeling safe.

He stared blankly at the ceilings, his thoughts followed a loop, rethinking everything that happened in the last ten months and asking himself one question,' What did he do wrong?' 

He finally got up and walked to the kitchen to find Castiel there making breakfast. "Oh, I thought you might want an espresso. I didn't realize you were still sleeping", Cas began to speak. Dean signed, "I wouldn't call it sleeping. More like barely achieving a semi-unconscious state." Cas looked away, "Th-there's regular coffee, if you want that, too". 

Dean went to make a cup of coffee and Cas looked like he wanted to say something, "Was there something else? "Uh, yeah", Cas replied.

"Actually, I wanted to talk about the party tonight.. I don't want to ruin it for you, so I thought maybe I, uh, I shouldn't be there".

Dean glared at him, "It's a charity event. People have paid 150 bucks per head to be served your signature hors d'oeuvres by you, and that's what they're gonna get!" Dean snapped.

"Dean, I know how upset you are", Cas began.

Dean frowned down at him, hands shoved into his pockets, "Yeah, it's kind of an appropriate reaction when you find out your husband was with someone else, don't you think? You finished upstairs? Because I'd like to take a shower now, please". 

"Yeah, I'm all done. The bathroom's all yours".

Dean left the kitchen to take a shower, leaving Castiel alone. He hauled himself into the shower. The water was cold. Dean followed each drop as it plunks on the plastic floor, he watched the water cycle down the drain.   
He walked in twenty minutes later, dressed in a pair of jeans and loose shirt with wet hair. He wanted to make another cup of coffee before going out.

"God! You have to be iron man - to get these things off", Dean mumbled as he tried to use the coffee machine.   
" Dean, let me help "  
" I can manage"  
"You're sleep deprived", Castiel cut him off. "Why don't you let me sleep on the couch?"  
"Because I don't want to sleep in our bed". Dean said quietly.  
"I told you, nothing happened in our bed"  
"Yeah, and I've told you, I don't want to know any details"  
"Fine, but we're both still living here, and your whole family and friends are coming here tonight, and we can't just keep walking around like nothing's wrong".  
"I don't want them to know because it's humiliating". Dean groaned

Castiel drew in a breath.

"Sometimes I wish I never told you"

Dean scoffed loudly and looked over at Cas and asked, "Then why did you?"

"Because I made a mistake, Dean, and the worst thing I did was try to pretend like it never happened. I love you, and I know I owed you the truth –".

"No, what you owed me was fidelity!" Dean yelled

Suddenly the front door opened. "What's up, bitches! Oh, God. I need a coffee". Charlie, Dean's best friend walked in. She looked between both of them and asked, "Are you two fighting?"

"No." They both said at the same time.

"Okay, come on." Charlie just rolled her eyes and turned to Dean. 

"Sam should be here any moment. Let's go through the details for tonight."

"Wait, Sam is coming here now?" Cas asked. 

"I hope so." Charlie responded. "It's his charity. You think I'm super excited about the Lawrence historical Society?" Charlie walked to make coffee. "What's this? Why can't I have a latte?"

"Uh, the machine's broken." Cas said.

"You know what? I need a pad and pen – " Charlie added and went to Dean's office. 

"Wait, Charlie" Dean yelled after her

"um, d – Dean" Charlie looked around and said from the office.

"Yeah".

"Why are there sheets on your couch?"

"Uh, we had a house-guest".

"Oh, yeah?" –  
"Yeah"  
"Who?"  
"Lydia"  
"Lydia? Lydia who?"  
"You don't know her"  
"Yeah, well, tell her she left your shoes, socks, jeans, and shirt on the floor" Charlie said with raised eyebrows. "What's going on? Is Cas mad at you?

Before Dean could response, the door opened and Sam walked in carrying a box of beer for the party. 

"Hi" Sam announced. "You know what, marriage is hard. Jess and I just had a fight this morning about some dirty socks. You guys are lucky. You have a great marriage and you both don't argue about dirty laundry!" 

Charlie smirked, "Ooh, I don't know how great it is. Dean slept in his office last night". 

"Oh. What, does Cas snore?" 

Dean frowned at them, "No, I was just, uh, I was too tired to make it upstairs- No big deal"

"Oh, yeah?" Sam asked 

"Yeah" Dean said trying to avoid Sam's eyes

"So why the big story about Lydia?" Charlie said rolling her eyes. She turned to Dean.

Castiel entered the kitchen 

"Hey", Sam greeted him 

"Hello, Sam"

"Is everything okay? Come on, Cas, tell us. Why is Dean in the dog house?" 

"I'm not in the dog house?" Dean said bluntly and began looking for his keys. 

Charlie scoffed, putting her hands on her hips, "Oh, Dean, what did you do? - Come on"

Sam looked at Castiel, "Don't cover for him Spill the beans." 

"Why the fuck do you assume it's me? Maybe I'm down here for my own fucking reasons". Dean snapped 

Charlie huffed and said sarcastically, "Really, Because Castiel is like an angel. He's perfect and doesn't make mistakes. So What could Cas have possibly done?"

"He cheated. That's what he did." Dean blurted out


	3. Chapter 3

Charlie and Sam went downstairs to open Castiel's restaurant and get it ready for the party. Sam put the beer away and Charlie started looking for a drink.

"Charlie, for God's sake, it's not even noon yet", Sam yelled.

"Who cares, Sam? We're in the Twilight Zone now"

"Besides, it's Rosé. Let's call it brunch"

"Fine. Pour me one"

The door opened and Jo walked in. Jo Harvelle was like a little sister to Sam and Dean. She was the daughter of John Winchester's best friends, William and Ellen Harvelle. Bill and Ellen helped John with his boys and Dean spent a great amount of time in their restaurant, The Roadhouse. He always considered Jo as his annoying little sister who he loved.

"Hey", Jo greeted Sam and Charlie

"Hi." They both said "What are you doing here?" Charlie asked

"Uh, Cas asked me to bartend tonight" Jo stared at both of them, "Why're you guys drinking so early? Uh, where's Cas? He's gotta walk me through the setup."

Charlie shrugged and sipped his drink, "Yeah"

"Look, um, we have a situation there", Sam said. "It seems that Cas - Cheated on Dean."

"Cheated on Dean" Jo simply stared at Sam with a shocked look on her face. "What, liked hooked up?"

Charlie said, her brow furrowed "Yeah. I don't know."

"Oh, no, no, fuck no. No, I don't believe it". Jo said firmly

Sam said as he drank his wine. "It's hard to believe"

"No, Sam, I actually don't believe it" Jo said "Oh, believe it." Sam said bitterly

"It happens. Gilda, remember her. She cheated on me too."

"Oh, come on, Charlie. Stop it. That's an unfair comparison" Sam said.

"Is it?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because Cas is a better person"

"Is he?"

"Absolute – Yes. He is, and you were fighting with Gilda long before anything ever - You were fighting long before"

"Yeah, but I believed in our relationship, and I thought - she was the last woman on this planet that would go."

"Okay, stop. You know what? Listen, Charlie, I get it. People cheat!"

"Yeah" Jo said "But Castiel's not that kinda person"

"We all know that, right? There has to be some explanation" Jo said, Charlie snorted.

"Well, the only one I can come up with is that when it comes to marriage, maybe love's not enough." Sam said and moved to set the tables.

"Maybe you just never know –"

"Oh, Charlie, Charlie, stop it. Don't talk like that." Sam said from the kitchen "We have absolutely no idea what happened"

"Exactly!"

Sam came back and wiped his hands, "Ruby and I used to fight all the time - over misunderstandings –"

"Yes, yes, yes - And now you're divorced" Charlie smirked

"What is your point? I have Jess now" Sam sounded defensive

"All right, that's - Come on, really? Now just you two, stop it" Jo warned them

"This can't happen." Jo looked sad. "They're gonna get over it."

"They're gonna get over it." Sam repeated"

******

Dean went to his office, It was a Sunday and he didn't expect to find anyone there. He just needed to clear his head. He walked in and saw the lights on. He looked around and found his business partner, Benny there on his computer. "Hey, Benny. What are you doing here?" Benny looked up, "Hey, brother, I was just finishing some work. I'm almost done. Gimme a minute." Dean went into his office and opened his laptop and checked his messages.

There was a knock on the door and Benny entered. "Hey, you look like crap! What the hell happened?" Benny said as he took a seat. "Oh Jesus. Benny, don't sugarcoat it."

Benny made them coffee and Dean told his friend everything.

"Oh, wow. I need something stronger than coffee….. Okay Listen, you know, Andrea, we made many mistakes. Okay? And we got through it. And when you're ready to talk calmly, you and Cas can sit –"

Dean cut him off, "What do you want me to do, Ben, just forgive him?"

"Well, yes"

"You did the same thing." Dean said bitterly. "You had an affair with that girl from the bar."

"No, nothing happened between me and Lenore"

"You kissed her, Benny, and even if you hadn't, - you had an emotionally intimate relationship - That you withheld from your wife."

"Dean, Dean. I am not condoning cheatin"

"No, you're excusing it" Dean snapped. "You know what? I am gonna go tonight because I live there. It's where my home is!" Dean slammed his laptop shut and left the office.

********

Castiel was in the kitchen of his restaurant cooking for the party. He was waiting for Bobby to come and help him. Bobby always loved to cook and when Cas talked to him about opening his own restaurant, Bobby loved the idea and offered to be his partner.

"Hi. "Bobby said trying to avoid Cas's eyes

"So I guess you know" Cas looked guilty

 "Yep, I spoke to Sam... I have to make a change in the menu tonight"

"Um, okay"

"What are you thinking?"

"Well, the mushrooms are wilted, so we can't do the mushrooms béchamel"

"I'll make ricotta fritters instead"

"Okay"

"Can I help?" Cas asked

"No" Bobby replied instantly. "No, you don't need to be involved in this"

"You can't just ignore me. Bobby, please don't do this." Cas begged with tears in his eyes

"Well, Cas, I'm at a loss. How could you do this?"

"It's not like I planned it" Cas sighed. "Things between Dean and me were terrible back then".

"Really? How terrible could they have been?"

"It was seven months after the accident. John was in a coma. We couldn't adopt - It was the opening night of the restaurant".

********Three months ago********

_It was the opening night and the restaurant was all booked. "Yeah, I need 4 pounds of crab meat" Castiel told sous chef. "Okay. Good." Castiel had a moment to call Dean. "Dean, I have, like, 60 guests coming in 7 hours. Could you please come here and help me?" Dean sighed over the phone. "Yes, I know, and it's great that it's your big night." Castiel added " Oh, did I tell you the critic from the LA Times is coming?" Dean was silent then responded "Oh, yeah. That's great." " You know, Dean, this could be a really big step forward for both of us" Cas got distracted by the waiters, " Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me fix that plate first, okay you can go now … "Sorry about that Dean, God! I have to cook tonight. When are you coming?" Dean licked his lips, " Yeah, um Cas, about tonight, there's a partner coming in from a big London company. He's stopping off on his way to Japan. He wants to see me about opening an office here, but he can only meet tonight". Cas couldn’t believe it, " You're kidding me!". " I might just be a little bit late". Dean mumbled.  Castiel was racing over to grab another plate, "C'mon, Dean". "It wasn't planned. Look I need my job and You don't know if this restaurant's gonna work – " "Oh, thanks" Cas said sarcastically. "C - C'mon. I didn't mean it like that." Dean said with a groan. Castiel rolled his eyes heavily, "Yeah, you did." Dean nodded, "You know what? There's a lot of things that we've wanted recently that haven't worked out the way we've hoped. Dreams don't always come true." Dean yelled over the phone. "You know, Dean, things have been bad, - but I don't even recognize you anymore". Cas waited for an answer and a minute later, Dean said "_ _I hope you can make it tonight" and hanged up._

 

Castiel turned to Bobby who was still listening, " We just let things get too bad, Bobby."

"You're just making excuses"

"Excuses? I'm not making excuses. I'm saying –"

 Bobby interrupted him.  "You're trying to blame Dean"

"I'm not blaming him. I'm saying that it was complicated. "

"I don't want to hear any more of this. - This family has always been behind you – "

"I know" Cas looked down "The only reason I'm here today is because we have a commitment to host this charity. But I will tell you one thing, Castiel. I have never been more disappointed in anyone in my life." 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party

It was time for the party. The restaurant was packed. It was so popular thanks to Castiel's culinary skills. The tables were set, soft music playing and everyone was there for the charity event. Sam was talking with his colleagues about Lawrence History Society and what it could do to the firm. Jo was tending the bar.

A waiter came and ordered a drink from Jo. He was a young handsome man with brown eyes, he looked like he was in high school or starting college. "All right, Margarita, no salt. And the two glasses of - Merlot and the Manhattan, straight up". The waiter said Jo smiled at him and he told her to take her time, "Older crowd. I, uh, I'm Samandriel, by the way." Jo smiled, "Uh, Jo". "How long you worked here?" Samandriel smiled back. "First night. Can you tell?" Jo wiped the counter. "Not at all", he assured her. "Anyway, I, uh I've got my own drama tonight". He added with his hands folded, "This, not my usual gig". Jo giggled and handed him the Margarita, "Let me guess, you're an actor? Straight up Manhattan." Samandriel took a seat at the bar, "No, uh, the old guy asked me to sub - for someone sick tonight." Jo huffed, "That's Bobby." He winked at her. "Yeah, I, uh, I worked here one night before, and, uh, I mixed a little business with pleasure". Jo was confused,  "What do you mean?" He smirked "I hooked up with the chef... Castiel? That's his name, right?" Jo couldn't breathe, "Are you serious?" she said with a shocked look on her face. "Yeah, I told you. Drama! Anyway, I - I hope his boyfriend's not here tonight. I, uh, knew he had one." Jo just stared at him and said, "You mean his husband – ".

Suddenly the door opened and Dean walked in and yelled at Jo, "Hey bar wench, give me a shot of bourbon." Dean noticed Samandriel and smiled at him,  "How are you?" Samandriel nodded and said "Great." Jo interrupted them before they could talk more and gave him the two merlots he asked for. "Wait a minute. What's the rush?" Dean said grinning over at him. He offered a hand to Samandriel, "Hey, I'm Dean." 

He shook his hands. "Hey, I'm Samandriel." Dean smiled, "Well, I'm gonna call you Alfie! You look like an Alfie and you're cute". Jo couldn't take it anymore, she shouted at him, "Go, dude. I mean it, go." He left with the drinks. Dean snorted and glared at her. "What, Cas cheats, but I'm not even allowed to flirt?" Jo didn't know how to tell him instead she just said, "Um, will you watch the register for a second?" and she ran off. 

 

Jo ran to the kitchen and Castiel was cooking

"I need another tray of bruschetta. And let's get some more of those fritters out there." Cas yelled at his waiters.

"Got it"

"Someone needs to peel and slice these red peppers""

"Cas, I need to talk to you". Jo cut him off

"Jo, I would love to talk to you, too, but I got a million and one - things going on back here"

"Samandriel is here". She said bluntly 

 "Samandriel?"

 "Yeah."

 

Back at the bar, Dean was filling in for Jo and making drinks for the guests. Another waiter, Michael, came up to him and ordered drinks. He was tall and had blue eyes just like Castiel. Sam and Charlie saw Dean standing behind the bar and didn't like it. They approached him to talk.

"Oh, hey, De."

"Hey"

"Where's Jo?"

"I don't know, But she left me in charge." Dean smiled and winked at the waiter. "One double scotch on the rocks". 

 "Uh, I said a rob roy, didn't I?" Michael remarked

"Who's he?" Dean asked

"Why don't you let me get that? I used to tend bar in college" Charlie announced

"No, I'm here to assert my right and title to this building, Charlie." Dean shot back. "I've decided to take a stand, and it's gonna be at the bar."

Michael said "Uh, still need that rob roy".

"I'll make it." Charlie said rolling her eyes at Dean                                                                           

"Okay." Dean stepped aside

"Could you please make it two, Charlie? I'm dying to know what rob tastes like." Dean winked at Michael. "You don't mind me calling you Rob, do you?"

"Dean, you're embarrassing yourself". Sam whispered

"Am I really? Are you gonna be a fucking lawyer with me right now? I'm not here positioning myself for debate or saving face. I'm pissed, Sammy."   

"I know"

"Really pissed. And there are no talking points for that". Dean took his drink and walked away.

 

Castiel and Jo were standing outside the restaurant. Cas started pacing and biting his nails  

"I can't believe he's here." 

 "Yeah, he works here, Cas." Jo snapped. "He walked up, ordered drinks, and then all of a sudden started bragging about how he hooked up with the chef"

"Okay, I get it. Bobby must have called him. We're understaffed and Gabriel is sick, I swear to you, Jo, I have not seen him since it happened"

 "All right. I believe you."

 "Can you please get rid of him?"

 "Yeah"

 "Be discreet... I don't want Dean any more hurt than he already is - "

"Yeah"

"And, Jo" 

"Yeah"

"Thank you.  I made a mistake that may have cost me my marriage I never considered that it could cost me my family, too."  Cas started crying

Jo stopped and looked at him, "Help me out, Cas. I know how much you love Dean. That's obvious but this guy is a douche. Like how did this happen?"

"I don't want to make excuses" Cas sniffed. 

"Then tell me the truth, 'cause, Cas, I don't like it, I don't get it"

 

******Three months ago******

_It was the opening night and Castiel was on the phone with Dean_

_"The dining room is at capacity. Dean, hold on a second." Cas stopped on of the waiter and added garnish to a plate._ _"Dean, I saved you a seat.  Everybody's asking where you are"_

_"Yeah, the, uh, the meeting's taking longer than I expected"_

_"Dean, this is the most important thing that's happened to me in a long time.  I want you to be here." Cas cleared his throat resolutely. "I think you need to be here, for us"_

_"It's, uh, it's not gonna work out tonight. I'm sorry"_

_"Dean"_

_"I'll see you at home." And he hung up._

_Cas sighed and he heard one of the waiters, Samandriel, calling for him._

_"Table 12 looks like they're about to eat their silverware." He said and pointed to the steak. "Can I take these?"_

_"Uh, yeah"_

_"You wanna sauce 'em first?"_

_"Thanks"_

_"So bad call?"_

_Bad night!""_

_"Well, you know, you wouldn't know it from out there._ _People are hungry, they're drunk, and they're loving everything coming out of the kitchen. He sighed, "You're clearly a culinary superstar… And with that face you should probably have your own reality show." Cas blushed and didn't know how to respond.  "In fact, when we're done, I'm buying you a drink." Samandriel added. Cas looked at him with surprise then he smiled,  "I own the place." Samandriel chuckled. "Great. Then we'll get drunk on you, which is way better for me", he said with a wicked smile._

 

"Cas, don't you see what happened? He wasn't trying to be nice. He was playing you. He said all the things that you wanted Dean to say" Jo said sounding genuinely empathetic

"Like I said, I don't want to make excuses." Cas muttered

The backdoor opened and Samandriel was holding the trash. He addressed Jo, "There you are. The bar's getting pretty backed up without you."

He then noticed Castiel standing there. He folded his hands and walked up to Cas, "Hey"

"Samandriel, I don't know what you're doing here, but what happened that night was a mistake, and I need you to please leave"

"Well, this is awkward"

"I need you to leave now""

"Well you know, I could've got another job tonight"

"Dude. Are you seriously trying to get paid right now?" Jo snapped

"Bobby will cut you a check for the whole night. Jo, could you please take care of that?"

"Yeah"

********

Inside the restaurant, Sam, Jess and Charlie were sitting on a table drinking wine and talking about the new Avengers movie. Charlie was Team Cap and Sam and Jess were explaining how Tony had the right to be angry at Bucky when Jo walked over to them. "Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys". Charlie turned to her, "What?" Jo breathed, "The guy Cas was with is here". Sam stood up, "Here? Are you kidding me?" She sighed. "No.  But Bobby is paying him, and then he's leaving."

Jess was confused, "Pay him? For- for what exactly?"

"For working."

"He's working here now?" 

"I don't I don't - it was a mistake. Bobby didn't know he was 'THE GUY' "

"So who's the guy?" Charlie asked

 All of a sudden, Dean was there at the table. "What guy?"

 They looked at each other trying to avoid Dean's eyes and all said at the same time. "No one"

"Uh, I-I have no idea what they're talking about" Charlie took a sip of her drink

 "What are you talking about? - What guy?" Dean insisted then it hit him.  "Oh, my God. He's here? He's one of the waiters?"

"Look, Dean, I'm dealing with it, all right?" Jo told him

"You're dealing with it?"

"I'm dealing with it." She repeated

"So I'm right? This is unbelievable"

"Dean - Dean, easy, easy"

"Which one is he?"

"Just calm down"

Dean looked around and pointed to one of the waiters. "Is that him?" Jo told him no.

"Oh, my God. It's Rob Roy."

"Who's Rob Roy?"

"I know his type"

Dean called after Michael, "Hey, Rob Roy" and before he could say a word, he punched him and knocked him down. Michael was surprised, "What the hell, man? I didn't do anything." Jo turned around and found Samandriel near her, she walked over to him and said "No, but you did" and punched him

That got Dean's attention. "That's him?!"

 "Dean, stop." Everyone in the party was staring at him and whispering. Castiel stopped him before causing anymore damage and pulled him into his office. Dean was furious, pacing around and looking at his now bruised hand

"Dean, you can't just go around hitting people"

"Oh, God. You know what? I am so sick of people telling me what to do and how to feel"

"Dean, the person you want to hit is me"

"A waiter? A waiter, really? It's so obvious. I'd have given you more credit than that""

"Dean, I had no idea he was gonna be here"

 Dean yelled "Oh, God. More excuses"

"Just say it. You've been wanting to say it all day" "

"No! Because I don't actually - want to talk to you." Dean sobbed

"You have to talk to me"

"You did this. You ruined our marriage everything we fought for for what? So you could get groped by a 24 year old". He said as he continued to cry. He felt pathetic but if he didn’t cry he would scream.

 Cas walked up to Dean closing the space between them. "I get it. You're angry."

"I am not angry!" Dean raged. "I am in pain, and you put me here! The person who was supposed to love me more than anything."

"Dean"

 "You were supposed to be better than this" Dean could feel his chest getting tighter as his voice rose

"I'm not.  I'm just as lost and damaged and screwed up as the rest of you. I'm not perfect, Dean. I'm not perfect." Castiel cried then left the office


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath

Dean was sitting in the office looking at his bruised hand. He still had tears in his eyes but he managed to calm himself down. Sam knocked on the door and Dean let him in. He offered his brother a glass of water and sank into a seat beside him.

 

Dean looked up to his brother and asked about Michael 

 

"You're sure the waiter's okay? He could get very litigious on me." Dean asked

  
"No, he's fine. He's not gonna sue." Sam assured him

  
"I wouldn't blame him if he did." Dean sighed 

  
"He told me his girlfriend, Anna, cheated on him last year, and he still wants to punch somebody." Sam looked similarly distressed. "You have a right to be angry, Dean. ... And the fact you wanted to take the guy's head off means something."

  
"Yeah, that I should avoid bourbon." Dean snorted 

  
"Well, that, too." Sam smiled. "But it means you care enough about your marriage to really fight for it, literally."

  
Dean sighed and let his head drop back slightly 

 

"Maybe if I'd fought a little earlier, Sammy." Dean looked up. "Cas's not the only one to blame for this. This didn't exactly happen in a vacuum."

 

Sam looked confused

  
"Do you remember the opening night party for this restaurant?" Dean began

"God, that was a terrible time for everybody."  
  
"I wasn't even there." 

 

_******** _ **Three months ago** _******** _

 

_Dean was on the phone with Castiel_

  
_"Yeah, the, uh, the meeting's taking longer than I expected." Dean said over the phone_

  
_"Dean, this is the most important thing that's happened to me in a long time._ _I want you to be here._ _I think you need to be here, for us." Cas begged_

  
_"It's, uh, it's not gonna work out tonight._ _I'm sorry._ _I'll I'll see you at home."_

 

_Dean hung up_

  
_Dean put down his phone. He was sitting at  a bar, drinking vodka and thinking about the phone call when the bartender interrupted his thoughts._

 

_"Who's the meeting with? The bartender asked as he poured him another drink_

 

_"What? Oh, uh there is no meeting." Dean took a shot. "_ _Uh, that was my husband, and I lied. ..._ _He's having the most important night of his professional career, and I decided to stay here." He looked like he was about to cry. "I_ _t's not that I'm jealous or anything. I_ _t's just, I can't seem to do anything else but hate myself these days._ _So what does that say about me? " The bartender was about to comment but Dean cut him off. "You don't have to answer that. I_ _already know."_

_****_

Sam was listening to Dean

  
"I was just stuck. I was so traumatized by what had happened, I couldn't be there for anyone not even Cas."

  
"You have to tell him." Sam urged

  
"Why?" Dean avoided Sam’s gaze

"Because this could change everything. It's part of the problem." Sam said calmly 

  
"Oh Sammy, I get it. I was I was I was pathetic. What I did was heartless. But am I crazy to think his punishment didn't fit the crime?" Dean grits his teeth

"This isn't about crime or punishment or who did what to whom.This is about figuring all of it out so you can find your way back to each other."

  
"Sam, honestly all I want is to get back to where we were before and just make like this never happened."

  
"Then you have to tell him. He was brave enough to take the first step and tell you the truth. Now it's your turn."

 

Dean stared at is brother

 

"When did you become so wise, bitch?"

Sam snorts, “Shut up, jerk.”

Sam sighed and Dean chuckled

****** 

Needless to say, the party wasn't a big hit. Dean didn't plan on making  a scene but things got out of hand. The guests left but not before they made  a few donations to the charity. They all loved the food and sent their compliments to the chef. 

It was after midnight and Castiel was left alone in the restaurant. 

Bobby entered the kitchen and found Cas there.

  
"Cas, I found these glasses outside." 

  
"Uh, thanks." Cas said avoiding Bobby's eyes. "Y - you can go home. I'll clean up this mess."

  
"No, no, no. I wanted to talk to you anyway." Bobby leaned against the worktable. "Cas, I was upset. I'm still upset. I was being loyal to my nephew. You hurt my family. But the thing is, I realized that taking sides isn't quite as simple as that, because you see, you're my family, too."

  
"Bobby, you don't have to - "

"Let me finish. Please." Bobby cut him off. "I know you don't want anyone to think that you're perfect. But to me, even with all of this stuff you two, idjits are about as close to perfect as anything I've ever seen."

  
Cas considered his words for a few seconds "Yeah." 

  
"And I guess because I was raised at a time when when a real relationship between two men, much less marriage, seemed impossible you and Dean were living my dream. And when I - uh,  when I found out what happened, I just suddenly, everything seemed less possible again."

  
Castiel took a step closer to Bobby

 

"Bobby, everything is still possible. Don't let this affects your relationship with Crowley. Don't let what I did make you give up hope."

  
Bobby felt tears prickling at the corners of his eyes

"I won't if you won't."

They smiled at each other and Bobby wiped his eyes

  
"Did you eat yet?" Bobby asked

"No."

  
"How about I make you some ricotta fritters with a little little bit of chestnut honey? It's the secret." Castiel looked at him and chuckled 

*****

Dean, Charlie and Jo went to Sam's house. Jess made dinner and they all sat down thinking about all the stuff that happened tonight. Charlie noticed how bruised Dean and Jo's hands looked and went to get the first aid kit.

 

"All right, guys, show me your hands." Charlie used her mom voice. "Oh, Dean. Look, you hurt yours very bad."

  
"Charlie, it's a paper cut." Dean smiled  
  
"Oh, God, that felt good." Jo looked at Dean

  
"I hear that." Jo smiled smugly in return. "Bros over hos." She smirked

  
"At least you hit the right guy." Dean groaned

  
"Yeah, well, I have to admit, I didn't do it just for you." Jo added. "Unfortunately, when Ash and I broke up, it was both our fault, so there was no one I could hit."

 "Jo, you're going to find someone else." Dean said with a proud grin and gave her a hug. "Thanks, Jo. For everything". She just hugged him back without saying a word. 

 

Dean stood up and whispered to Charlie, "Can I stay at yours tonight?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. I just got a new couch." 

 

They finished dinner and said goodbye. Dean gave Jo a ride to her place and went home with Charlie. He took a quick shower and managed to sleep for  a couple of hours. He stirred in his sleep and stared at his phone. He sat down on the couch thinking about his husband. He considered what Sam said to him and felt like he owed Cas the truth. He reached for his cell and called him.

 

Castiel was sitting on the ground of their bedroom wrapped up in a blanket. The phone rang and he saw Dean's name. He picked up immediately.

  
  
"Hey." 

  
"Hello, Dean. Where are you? I was worried about you."

  
"I'm at Charlie's. I slept on the couch. Well, you know, I wouldn't call it sleeping- "

  
"More like barely achieving a semi-unconscious state?" Cas quoted Dean and smiled. "I know what you mean. Glad you had someplace to go."

 

There’s a short silence and they both waited for the other to speak.

  
"Do you know what the hardest thing about this is?" Dean asked and lied back on the couch.  "Whenever anything bad happens you are the person I want to talk to most."

  
"Dean, do you want to come home?" Castiel asked hopefully 

 

"No." Dean sighed 

  
"So what do we do now?" Cas responded after a second

 

"There's something I have to tell you." 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet a few days later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lily is Sam and Ruby's daughter. It's short for Lilith. She is 11 and she lives with her mom not Jess and Sam

It was a slow Sunday morning. Dean haven't talked to Castiel since he called him and explained why he wasn't in his restaurant opening three months ago. He missed him but it was hard to just forget and forgive. 

He woke up early and found Charlie on her computer doing some online shopping with Jo. Dean didn't have to go to work so he watched them interact and thinking about going out, maybe he could meet Benny for a drink.

"C'mon. C'mon, people. I need some input" Charlie yelled. "What should I get?"

Jo huffed, "It's Marc Jacobs that matches your eyes. What more do you want from a handbag? C'mon. Click shoes too." 

Dean looked up, "No, you don't need shoes. Go to Area Rugs!" 

"Area Rugs?!" Jo and Charlie said in unison

"Yes, I'm sick of sleeping on that awful couch." Dean complained and went to make a cup of coffee.

"Well, you could always move back home, dude." Charlie said cocking a perfectly arched eyebrow. "You know, I spoke to Cas yesterday"

"Guys, I told you I don't want you to call him." Dean yelled, his eyebrows raised to the roof. 

"I didn't call him, I swear. I was with Sam and he called him…. He called him cause Lily needs help, remember? With her debating tournament."

Dean couldn't believe he forgot that. Castiel and he were supposed to help her. Sam was busy with a new case and Ruby was away on a business trip so Dean offered to help her before things went out of hand with Cas.

"Oh my God. I was supposed to help her practice today." Dean gasped 

"Yeah, Deano. You can't let her down, she's just a kid" Jo said snippily. 

"C'mon. Why can't Jess do it?" Dean asked.

"Because she doesn't want her help. She knows you were on the debate club and she wants Cas's help with what she calls, 'The debuttal'.. She clearly needs help." Charlie smirked. 

"Damn. Damn, Damn". Jo yelled

"What?" Charlie was confused.

"The bags sold out." Jo pouted. 

"You know, what? It happens sometimes. You just need to click or it's gone." 

Dean sighed. This is not how he wanted to spend his Sunday. He needed to go out. Go anywhere not watching online blowout sale. Is this what his life has been reduced to? He went and got his jacket and keys while they were busy choosing what to buy.

"What else did Cas say?" Dean asked from across the room.

"Nothing. But he feels bad about things –"

"I'm sorry. He feels bad?" Dean cut her off. "What about me?" 

Jo cleared her throat, "Dean, I talked to Cas too."

"Oh my God. What's wrong with you?" He snapped.

"He called me, Dean. He just wanted to make sure you have enough blankets here"

That was it. He heard enough. This wasn't some little spat he was having with Castiel. His husband was unfaithful to him. Period. People needed to stop butting in on his personal business. He knows that they just wanted things to work out but it was all up to him. He needed time. 

*******

Dean went to the restaurant to meet Lily there. It was too early but Castiel was there holding a tray of empty glasses when Dean walked in. Cas turned around and saw Dean walking his direction. His stomach flipped. He stared at Dean's green eyes waiting for him to say anything. 

"Hi." Dean looked down

"Hello, Dean.... You know Lily is coming over to – "

"Prep for a debate tournament. I know."

"She called me to make sure that I was –"

"Here to help. I know that too." Dean said coldly. "I also know you spoke to Jo and Charlie." Dean glared at him

"Dean – " Castiel started to explain

"Look. I'm feeling kinda weird about us both working with Lily today so maybe you could find an excuse-" 

"No." Castiel gaped at his husband. "You cannot stop me from helping my niece. I'm her uncle too, last time I checked we're still married." Cas shouted

"Really? Maybe you shoulda thought about that before –"

"Yes. I should have and if you can't see how much I regret that –"

"I don't want to get into this now." Dean interrupted him again. 

"Okay. But when do you? Because I don't know how many more times I can apologize or come to your office and watch you completely ignore me"

Castiel showed up at Dean's office almost every day for the past weak wanting to speak to Dean but he always found Benny there telling him he was too busy. Benny just looked guilty. It was clear that he didn't want to lie to Cas but his partner made him promise not to tell Cas the truth.

"Yeah, every time I look at you I imagine what happened and I can't forgive you." Dean yelled again

"We have to talk, Dean. We have to find a way through this." Castiel shook his head 

"I don't know there is a way through –"

Dean stopped talking when the front door opened and Lily came in. She had green eyes just like her uncle Dean and brown hair like her dad. She was a smart girl and knew that Cas and Dean were having an argument. 

"Lily, hi." Castiel smiled at her.

"Hi". She gave them both a hug and put her school bag on a chair.

"So what? Did your dad just dropped you off and leave?" Dean asked

"No, actually, dad took me." She smiled

"Sam is coming?" Cas asked

"Yeah, he told me he wanted to see you guys."

"Isn't it amazing how your dad manages to always find time for everything? He said he was busy with a case and here he is ." Dean said sarcastically. Cas snorted

The door open and Sam was panting. 

"Hi, guys. Sorry I couldn't find a place to park." He went and gave Lily a kiss and told her to be a good girl and to have fun with her uncles. 

"She is really looking forward to the two of you helping her." Sam said

"Well, something came up for Cas so – " Dean lied

Lily looked sad. "You mean you can't stay, uncle cas". She looked like she was about to cry.

"No, it's okay. Dean is really good at debating –" Cas was ready to leave

"But you said you were gonna be the opposing side. You promised – "

"I know…. I'm so sorry, Lily." He didn't like lying to her. 

Sam looked at his daughter then to Castiel. "Cas if it means that much to her, I'm sure you could reschedule whatever it is you're doing, man"

Dean sighed

"You think you could?" Dean said warily. He wasn’t sure he wanted to spend the day with Castiel 

"I suppose I could." Cas said looking a Dean trying to read him 

Dean smiled. "Okay then we'll both help you."

****

Cas went to the kitchen to made a sandwich for Lily when Sam entered

"Lily doesn't want any mayonnaise on her sandwich." Sam told him

"Okay" Cas nodded

Cas began making Lily's breakfast. "I feel like I crossed enemy lines just by standing in here with you." Sam took a seat

"Yeah, well. Apparently you have." Cas groaned . "You know what's the hardest thing about this? It is that was happened that night was about so much more than cheating, but no matter what I felt, It doesn't change anything because I did what I did and –" 

"And what?" Sam asked. "Cas, Dean told me about that night and why he didn't' show up to the restaurant opening – "

"That's my point. I had a legitimate reason to be upset but instead of telling him –" he couldn't finish the sentence, he was too ashamed of himself to say it out loud again. "Forget it."

"No. Don't forget it." Sam pressed. "Don't forget it. Tell him now. Tell him everything. Everything you felt then, everything you feel now. That's the only way."

"I lost my right to." Castiel mumbled


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks guys for the kudos. The story is almost done. Please leave me a comment to let me know if you like it so far :)

Sam just wanted his big brother to be happy. He did indeed have a big case to work on but he wasn't too busy for his own daughter. He wanted to fix things between Dean and Castiel without meddling too much; he wanted them to be in the same room together and talk so he told Lily he couldn't help her with her debate tournament and planned to leave that task for Dean. After his little talk with Cas in the kitchen, he said goodbye to Lily and went on his way.

Lily put her paper and notes on the counter and was ready to start working on them. Castiel stood behind the bar and began reading what she got so far.

Dean walked into the room holding his cup of coffee and sat on a couch facing them. "Okay, Lily. You're the affirmative speaker, so you go first."

"Okay." She nodded. "So, I'm saying that detention serves a satisfactory purpose – "

"Wait." Dean cut her off, "Say, 'Resolved', then state your proposition. That's how you start a debate" 

Castiel flipped the paper in front of him and shook his head, "Mmmm. Actually her school rules don't say anything about 'Resolved'. She's just supposed to state the proposition."

Lily beamed, "You read the rules? That's so sweet." She turned to look at Dean, "Isn't that really sweet, uncle Dean?"

Dean just rolled his eyes. Of course Cas read the rules. He knows his nerdy husband too well. "Okay. My bad. Start again." Castiel just looked at them and smiled.

"But I like resolved. It's cool. "Lily replied, "So resolved... one of the ways detention serves purpose is it shows students that there can be consequences for their actions."

Dean gaped at her, he liked where this was going. "Good. Consequences for their actions", he repeated a little louder then nodded. "Good solid first point". His eyes met Castiel's.

"Detention teaches kids that when they do something wrong, they have to take responsibility for it." Lily added.

"Excellent point" Dean jeered. "One so many people overlook." He looked at Cas again. 

Castiel glared at him, "Dean, I thought we were trying to stick to the task at hand."

Lily turned to him, "Do you want to rebut?"

"Yes." Cas rolled his eyes at Dean and set his face sternly. "Resolved... Sometimes detention doesn't serve a purpose."

"Why is that?" Dean shot back

"Okay, because... Well, uh, you know, let's say, Johnny does something bad, so principal Smith puts him in detention. So now he's sitting there alone, stewing. Things are getting worse. What principal Smith should do is talk to Johnny." 

Dean glared at him again

"What if, say, Johnny cheated.... On an exam? Are you saying principal Smith should have a heart-to-heart with the kid?"

"Yes, because talking about a problem is way better than icing Johnny out in some cold classroom." Cas snapped.

Lily looked between the two of them and turned to Dean, "Plus, what if Johnny really loves principal Smith?"

Dean frowned

"Okay, Lily, I know what you're doing. It is not appropriate."

"Then break up. See if I care." She said quietly and stood up to gather her things, "Uncle Cas, will you please take me home?"

Both Dean and Castiel looked down and sighed. They knew how they let their differences affect their only niece and felt ashamed. 

****

Castiel drove her to Sam and Jess's house and when he got back to the restaurant Dean was already gone. He took off his jacket and went upstairs to take a shower. He felt guilty and needed to apologize to Lily for ruining her morning. 

He changed then heard his phone buzz. He got a text from Lily to come back over. He called Bobby to come early and manage things around the restaurant and headed back to Sam's house.

 

He knocked but no one responded so he opened the front door and walked in.

"Lily. Jess. Anyone?" He called. "Hello." 

He heard movement in the living room then Dean appeared in front of him. "Fancy seeing you here!" 

Castiel looked shocked to see him and sighed, "I swear, I'm not stalking you. Lily called me and asked me if I would come back over."

Dean put his hands on his pockets trying to look nonchalant, "Yeah, she left me a message saying she wanted to talk about what happened. Lo and behold, she's not here." 

"Right."

Dean tuned his back to Castiel and took a note from a table behind him

"She did, uh, leave this note." He started reading, 'Sorry I had to leave. I forgot I promised my friend, Krissy, I'd do her toenails'. "

Castiel smiled softly, but shook his head. "She doesn't give up, does she?"

"She's worse than Sam." Dean snorted and put the note down. 

"Look, as long as we're both here, why don't... we go find a neutral space where we can just talk? " Cas said walking up to Dean and closing the space between them

"That would feel false." Dean shrugged.

"Dean, it's been almost two weeks."

"And what, you feel there's some statute of limitations on cheating?" Dean shot back

"No. But I think you're making this all about you instead of about us."

"Excuse me?" Dean asked looking absolutely stricken

"Dean … I did a terrible thing."

"Yeah." Dean huffed. 

"So terrible that I've let you define the debate." Dean looked at him with an open mouth. "But sometimes it feels like my life is all about you." Cas added. "It's like you consume all the oxygen in the room." He took a step back. 

"That night, my restaurant was opening. And instead of it being about me, it became all about you, about why you weren't there, about you missing John, and... I was so exhausted from trying to solve YOUR problems, and somebody came up to me and offered... To make it all about me."

Dean was surprised to hear all that

"Unbelievably. So that's what our relationship was about, solving m-my problems? You're saying it happened because you were so ignored, you had to find solace somewhere else?" 

Castiel shook his head. Dean misunderstood his point. He looked at him and said quickly, "No. No. I'm saying my life with you is beautiful, and I cherish it. But it's not without its problems, and that night, I let the problems get the better of me, and I failed."

Cas slowly moved closer to Dean again but Dean took a big step back and folded his arm.

"Dean, I am here fighting for us. Can't you see that."

"Yes, I can." Dean said dropping his gaze from Cas. "But I'm scared to let you back in.".


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it. Hope you guys like the ending :)

Dean didn't know what else to say. He was too scared to let Castiel back in. They were happy and then everything changed the night of the accident. John was in a coma for seven months before he died. Dean had to watch his father die. It was a very hard time for Sam too but with Dean, it was different. John was his role model and best friend. He idolized the man. He was grieving. He knew Cas was there for him but he felt so alone so he shut everyone out.

He thought he had the perfect marriage and he knew Cas loved him more than anything, that's why it hurts too much to think about that night.

He listened to what Castiel said. He felt that was all his fault. Cas was his whole world and now he knew he was the one who let him down because that's who Dean Winchester was. He blamed himself for everything. He took him for granted. 

He couldn't sleep, he had to see Cas. He went back to the restaurant after midnight. Castiel was alone in there cleaning up. Dean watched him work and when Castiel turned, he was surprised to see him standing there.

"The kitchen's closed." Castiel looked down

Dean took a step forward closing the space between them a little. "A few months ago, I... hit rock bottom. I was in a terrible place, and you're right. It was all about me. But do you feel that it has always been about me? What did you say, that I "consume all the oxygen"?

"No. I can breathe. I just..." Cas smiled

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Dean cut him off

"Because a part of me loves it that way. I feel needed. You know, growing up, I hardly felt noticed. But you..." Castiel sighed. "It's like you can't get through the day without me."

"I can't." Dean said quickly and shook his head

"And sometimes, I let that go too far." Cas replied looking into Dean's green eyes. "When you didn't show up to my opening, it hurt... so much. I wanted to be the star that night. But, Dean, believe me I would... never do that again."

Dean slowly moved closer to Cas

"That's the problem, because I can't promise the same about... changing. Obviously I'll... I'll try, but the way you described me just now? It's pretty accurate. I can be self-centered and neurotic..."

"Lovable and strong." Cas said softly

"And needy and high-maintenance." Dean looked down

"Caring, loyal... always, always loyal." Cas pressed making Dean blush

Dean smiled warmly and walked towards him.

"Cas, I want us to be better more than anything. But even if you wanted to, you wouldn't have time to look after me. Look at this place. I just wish there was something that I could do to prove to you how much I wanna change, because... I want to keep growing with you."

"There is something." Tears were suddenly streaming down Castiel's face now. "You can forgive me." He whispered with a hopeful look.

*********

The next day Sam, Jess, Charlie, Jo and Lily were standing outside the school waiting for Dean and Castiel to attend Lily's debate.

Lily kept pacing. "Oh, um, are uncle Dean and Cas here yet?" She looked at Sam. "They're not coming, are they?" 

"Oh, sweetie, listen..." Sam hugged her

"I know. Just go in and get seats." Lily told them

"Okay." Charlie said and walked in.

"You have a debate to do. Break a leg." Jess gave her a weak smile and a quick kiss on the cheek.

"You're gonna be great, baby." Sam hugged her again and followed his wife

Lily was standing alone looking around when suddenly Dean and Castiel showed up holding hands and smiling. 

"Lily!" Dean called

"You organize your notes?" Castiel yelled 

"How do you feel?" Dean grinned at her.

Lily was smiling happily and watching them coming closer

"I knew it. I knew I could do it." She beamed

"Do what?" Dean was confused.

"Resolved... Lily is the best couple fixer in the world." She smirked.

"True. Hurry up. You're gonna be late." Dean pointed at the school.

Lily chuckled and hugged them both, "Thanks, guys."

"You're welcome. Go get 'em, champ." Dean told her

"Yeah, break a leg." Cas let go of her.

"Yeah, make us proud." Dean kissed her forehead

"I might even win today." Lily said smugly.

"Whoo!" Dean cheered.

She walked in and left them alone outside. Castiel turned to face Dean. His blue eyes were wide and full of love. He rubbed his hands and smiled.

"So you're sure you wanna do this?" Cas asked

"Watch kids mangle two hours of debate? Probably not." Dean snorted and shook his head.

"Well, that's what uncles do, right?" Cas said, his smile so bright it was charming.

"I guess." Dean looked at him. Castiel turned to get in when Dean called after him "Cas - "

"Yeah"

"I love you." Dean whispered. 

"I love you, too."

Dean pulled Castiel into a fiercely passionate kiss. Dean opened his mouth to breathe. "God, I fucking love you." Cas let out a small chuckle. "Love you too, assbutt." Dean took his hand and walked into the school to attend he tournament. 

Lily won! They all had dinner in Castiel's restaurant that night. Dean didn't say much, he just enjoyed watching his family happy again, all laughing and interacting with each other. He was happy. He smiled softly and he wasn't afraid of the future anymore. He had Cas. And, well... isn't that kinda the whole point?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Like I said, this is my first fic ever and hope it didn't suck that much.  
> Thanks for all the kudos :) And please tell me what you think.


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